His Wounds / Her Wounds

Posted On: Feb 16, 2018By Mike Genung

The Little Girl loves her Daddy with everything she has. But he’s distracted with work and other things. He rarely hugs her, or expresses love to her. Most of what she hears is criticism; he rarely encourages her. She grows up starved for her father’s affection and approval.

The Little Girl grows into a beautiful young woman. She marries a man, who she thinks, is nothing like her father. Their marriage is okay at first… sort of… but as the years go by he becomes aloof; withdrawn, and critical. One day she walks in on him as he’s masturbating to pornography. Her world unravels; deep-seeded anger and hurt well up with such force that she’s overwhelmed.

Like many men who are in bondage to lust, her husband has a hard time with intimacy and showing affection. Just like her father.

She tries to forgive her husband, even says the words, but she can’t shake the anger and hurt. She bounces between anger and depression; she feels like she’s been carrying an emotional burden all of her life, and doesn’t know what to do with it.

The Little Boy had a happy, rambunctious childhood. His parents are loving and kind; everything was going okay… until one day, he spends the night at a neighbor’s house and one of the boys sexually molests him. Afterwards, his abuser says, “If you ever tell someone what happened I’ll do it again.” Stunned and fearful, the Little Boy keeps what happened a secret. He feels sick inside; soiled, worthless. He internalizes the lie that what happened was his fault; he’s a sick pervert, a freak. Others might condemn him if they knew, so he dare not expose it.

When adolescence hits, the Little Boy discovers masturbation and porn. It gives him a feeling of comfort, and he feels safe, even accepted… until the act is over, and then the shame hits.

The Little Boy grows into a handsome young man and meets the Little Girl. She makes him feel alive, and he immediately falls in love. For a while she makes him forget about the emptiness and pain. Maybe all that is resolved… he even stops the porn and masturbation.

They get married, and not long after the inevitable friction arises that occurs in every marriage of two broken people. He responds by withdrawing from his wife. She is confused and frustrated, and presses him for answers. The old tapes of unworthiness and shame kick in again, and it’s not long before he’s hiding in the “safe haven” of porn and masturbation.

They have children, and his wife gains a few pounds. He starts criticizing her; he can evade his inner misery a little when he’s “helping her” with her faults. One day, God exposes his sin: his wife walks in on him as he’s masturbating to porn, and their marriage blows up. He’s overwhelmed with the sense of being an utter failure, and cries out to God for help.

When a husband and wife begin the recovery process from sexual sin, the wounds from their hearts will be exposed. If you want complete, deep healing in your marriage so you can forgive from the heart, accept your spouse as they are, and love them freely, you must resolve the core, root issues in both of your hearts. Otherwise, the best you can hope for is superficial, short-lived recovery, and your marriage will continue to flounder.

Photo: Copyright: <a href=’https://www.123rf.com/profile_andrascsontos’>andrascsontos / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

Excerpted from Mike Genung’s book, The Road to Grace for Couples; a Workbook
for Healing from Porn and Adultery