Rebuilding Trust, Part 2
Mere talk only leads to poverty…
After years of lying, hiding and betrayal, promises to change mean little. The only way we will rebuild trust with our wives is with consistent actions that show them there is reason for hope.
* The first step is to meet with a support group and/or a person for accountability, every week until at least one year of sexual sobriety is under our belt. This is where many men balk. “I don’t need that; I can do it on my own,” they say. Responses like this are proof that pride still comes first, and they haven’t experienced enough pain from their sin yet. Most men who play games with lust won’t attend a serious, committed support group for very long. The required expectation for ongoing honesty and the work it takes to break free from sexual sin triggers rebellion. While support group attendance in of itself is no guarantee of recovery, it is a sign of hope because it shows a willingness to set pride aside, move away from isolation, and learn from others, all which require humility.
* Many men need the help of a counselor to heal the wounds they’ve used lust to medicate. And, if your marriage is under constant strain, marital counseling is a must. Submitting to these processes show you’re willing to humble yourself and face the pain in your life—and that of your wife’s.
* Cut off everything that might cause you to stumble. Turn off all TV service to your house, put an effective porn blocker on your PC, give your wife the passwords to all accounts, have accountability software send a list of every website you visit from the computers you use at home and work to her, cancel the subscription to Sports Illustrated (or any other magazine that is a problem), find another job if your current one is a problem (affairs, too much travel, etc.), and even move the family to another state. Whatever it takes, do it. Actions like this show her you’re no longer playing games with lust.
* If you need to make a change that will affect your wife, such as turning off the TV or asking her to cancel a subscription to a lingerie magazine like Victoria’s Secret, talk it over with her first. Adopt a stance of humility. Kindly, yet firmly, explain the reason behind your motives. Remember, you want her on your side, so work with her.
Above all, the most effective way to rebuild trust is for you to stay free from porn, affairs, masturbation, or any kind of sexual sin. Without this, your spouse will have neither hope nor reason to stay in the marriage. Long term success may not come immediately, but if you’re consistent in taking the steps above, you’ll go a long way towards showing her you’re serious about recovery—and rebuilding trust.
Excerpted from Mike Genung’s book, 100 Days on The Road to Grace, A Devotional for the Sexually Broken
Image Copyright : Nataliia Kelsheva