Restoring Sex to a Broken Marriage
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
I like that verse.
The marriage bed is meant to be a fireplace of passion and excitement; exhilaration. The two of you should be lighting each other’s fire and setting it ablaze. Marriage is the only place where God sanctions sex; married couples are told to have at it and enjoy. (See the book of the Song of Solomon if you don’t believe me.)
When porn and/or adultery blow up a marriage, the couple’s sex life is often decimated with it. Most wives don’t want to be touched by a man who’s hurting them.
Hopefully, the husband has been doing his part and experiencing freedom from sexual sin. If trust is reestablished, forgiveness has been granted, and your relationship is making progress, hopefully you’ve reintroduced sex into your marriage by now. If not, let’s light it up.
If it’s been awhile and you’ve had a long, hard road, this may feel awkward. This may be another step of risk and trust for the wife; she could be asking, “Can I really trust you with my heart again?” Meanwhile her husband might feel like Oliver Twist, sheepishly asking for something he’s not sure he deserves… or might get turned down for.
Today, let’s have a frank discussion about sex.
- Talk about where both of you are with your sexual relationship. If it’s been awhile and there’s something in the way, bring it to the light. Is there an issue that needs to be worked through? Shame? Fear? Pain? Perhaps a little more time could be necessary for healing or trust to take place. Or maybe a few more dates are needed to prepare the fireplace. If, for some reason, you’re not ready today, don’t shelve sex for the long term. You need to work toward the goal of a vibrant sexual relationship and do what’s needed to get there.
- Discuss frequency. A little negotiation may be needed here. Talk about what would be healthy and reasonable for frequency and how you can make it happen. Men, it ain’t happening every day, especially if you’ve got kids. On the other hand, once a month isn’t enough (unless both of you are okay with it). Sex is a powerful force that bonds a couple together. To neglect it is not only deprive each other (1 Corinthians 7:5) but to rob your marriage of the emotional, physical, and spiritual union that God designed sex for (let’s not forget the exhilaration part). Sex is more than a physical act; it’s an intense bonding force. You want your marriage to be as rock-solid as it can be; sex is the crazy glue that bonds it together.
Your sex drive may not match in intensity; it’s not always the man with the stronger one. The partner with the lesser drive might need to work at having sex more than they prefer in order to bless their spouse. Meanwhile the one who wants it every night might need to ease up and realize they won’t die without it; loving their spouse is still the main thing. To embrace humility in this area means both sides can’t always have what they want; what is best for their relationship comes first.
Talk through your sexual relationship until you come to an agreement.
Pray and ask God to restore, refresh, and anoint your sexual relationship.
Then, you know what to do…
Excerpted from Mike Genung’s book, The Road to Grace for Couples; a Workbook for Healing from Porn and Adultery
photo credit: atic12